Six Tips for Parents: “Goldilocks” Guide for Discipline

All parents have their own methods of disciplining children. Discipline, when done correctly, is a very important part of parenting that helps to teach a child how to be happy and successful in life.

Healthy discipline strategies help protect a child from danger; teach self-control and self-discipline; teach a sense of responsibility; and help instill values of the family, culture or faith.

Think of discipline with “Goldilocks and the Three Bears” logic: not too little, not too much – just the right amount.

“Healthy discipline sets limits of behavior for children based on their age and ability to make decisions,” says Rachel Young, M.D., a family medicine physician at the Palo Alto Medical Foundation’s Redwood City Center. “Problems occur when a parent is too lenient, or doesn’t provide enough limits, or when they are too strict and rigid with rules.”

Families with “no rules” may actually place their children in physical danger. For example, a car may hit a child who crosses the street without holding an adult’s hand, or a child allowed to climb on countertops may fall and get hurt.

“A child raised in a ‘no rules’ environment tends to be frightened—and may push and defy parents through bad behavior to get them involved in decision-making,” Dr. Young says.

On the other side of the spectrum is the household with inflexible limits.

“Parents who don’t give their child any freedom or decision-making responsibilities are likely to end up with a rebel on their hands. This child may make poor and even dangerous decisions as they push for their own sense of freedom and individuality.”

Discipline and limit setting provides the correct balance between these two extremes. Dr. Young offers these parenting tips that may help you formulate a discipline strategy that works:

1. Provide your child with reasonable, limited choices. These choices should be based on his/her age and ability to make decisions. Be clear and consistent in establishing limits and boundaries for your child’s behavior.
2. Be clear and consistent. Your rules don’t have to be the same rules that other parents have, but they need to be consistent. Be sure that you and your spouse—as well as relatives and other people who care for your child— follow the same rules.
3. Be clear about consequences. Explain the consequences for not following family rules. When your child behaves badly, make sure you consistently follow through with the consequences.
4. Provide a sense of order. Keep a regular schedule for meals, naps and bedtimes. If you have to change the schedule, tell your child about the changes ahead of time.
5. Praise your child. When he/she learns something new or behaves well, express how proud this makes you feel.
6. Be a good example. Children learn by watching, so try not to exhibit behaviors or language that you don’t want your child imitating.

“Above all, be patient with your child and yourself," Dr. Young says. "Parenting isn’t easy, but persistence and consistency pays off in the end."